Props: Towels, Jerseys over T-shirts, sweat pants or jersey basketball shorts, clipboard (For the coach), a bench or pew.
Three men (or women) walk onto the stage obviously hyped up…
Player 1: Okay, boys, it's time to get ready. The big game is this afternoon.
Player 2: Right, let's get to work. Everyone assume the position.
(They sit together in a row, all looking toward a fictional basketball court.)
Player 3: First, the "yell at the ref" move.
(They jump to their feet and whine for a few seconds at a make-believe referee. Really exaggerate this.)
Player 1: Next, the arm lock.
Player 2: We held hands last time.
Player 1: I really wasn't comfortable with that. (awkward pause)
(They lock arms in painful anticipation of something big, maybe a free throw or similar event. One may put a towel over his head. This goes on for maybe five to 10 seconds; whatever feels right.)
Player 2: Everybody good? Ooh, I've got a new one.
(He kneels and stretches out toward the court, looking forlorn, again like he's waiting for something big. You'd think the fate of the world hangs on whatever he's watching.)
Player 3: Nice one, Bob. Now, let's practice the cheer for the big shot.
(They pause in their chairs, then spring to their feet in triumph. During their cheer, the coach walks up.)
Coach: Alright, Smith, Anderson's hurt. We need you at point guard this afternoon.
Player 3: Coach, I really appreciate that, but I was up late last night and…
Coach: Alright then. Joe, you're in.
Player 2: Thanks, coach, but I have this hangnail that's really hurting and…
Coach: Sit down. (losing patience) Steve, I suppose something's wrong with you?
Player 1: Well, now that you mention it…
Coach: (Really angry ) Come on, guys!! Why are you even on this team, anyway?
(The players look embarrassed, but make no move to volunteer.)
Player 1: (sheepishly, after hesitating) Well, we get into all the games for free.
Player 2: And we get free uniforms.
...
Coach: When I recruited you three from high school, you were the best in your class! Smith, you set the state record for three pointers. Joe, you were almost perfect from the free throw line. Steve, you scored 50 points your final game. But, every time I ask you to do something here, you just make excuses!
Player 1: Well, we were pretty good back home, but the players here are better and…
Player 2: …we like the bench.
Player 3: …Yeah, we're fine here. We have the best seats in the house.
Now, he's really angry. The coach storms off the stage. The players slowly gather their things.
Player 1: Boy, was he mad.
Player 2: No kidding. He was really nice to me when I tried out for the team.
Player 3: Yeah, what's wrong with him? (I never should have joined this team! I should have just kept trying out.)
(exit)
based on a play by Brian Bowman
